Dear you,

Sitting in front of the cold non-interactive laptop whilst I am supposed to meet a talkative responsive you. The word “no” is still thundery lingering at the back of my ears. It is still challenging to digest the unsolicited visit from the “no” again.

Juxtaposing to the astounding surprise, I found myself bizarrely sitting down calmly, reminiscing our almost year-long journey. 

My first confession blurry floating. I couldn’t really recall the exact detail despite it was a painstaking virgin heart break.  But I vividly recalled the overwhelming embarrassment. You told me I was not the person you wanted to meet often when I was self-indulgingly and actively arranging meetings with you. “Everything was single-sided”, you said. I felt like my exposed heart was stepped mercilessly.

I constantly reminded myself not to repeat the mistake since then so I deliberately kept a distance from you.

But you consciously or unconsciously wanted to step closer. You miraculously made an effort to visit my place; shocked me with a public kiss which you purport to reject so profoundly; you confessed your love for me.

Too much. It was too much for my little head. I was exploded in naiveté, blindly presented my uncovered heart for your delight, once again. I failed miserably and inundated you with emotion too immense for you to handle. You retrieved and harshly commented: “I don’t love you, never loved you, will not love you”. You told me I was the one begging you to say you love me.

Humiliated. Just why did I think the new year had magically relieve the loving facet of you? Just why did I believe the grand gestures meant something different?

But I couldn’t pull the emergency stop button just yet to exert an irreversible end to our relationship. Nevertheless, I finally realised the necessity to divert my attention on other people. So I started organising congenial meetings with new fellas.

Your possessive nature soon prevailed, questioning about these new fellas, commenting them, even their names when you didn’t even know who they were. And then you started the cycle again. “Please don’t leave me, don’t ever say goodbye to me, allow me to be the person who is always be there for you”, you begged (of course you would deny the choice of word here).

The moment I read the sentence, I burst into tears, and not at one occasion, but three nights in a row. I cried wasn’t really because I was touched. Instead, it was mainly due to the disappointment towards your selfishness and the fear of upcoming misery. Everytime, your kind gesture will entail an inevitable crass remark. I wondered in horror what was going to happen after the begging. I was being careful not wanting to get hurt, for the third time.

And from tonight incident, I have finally realised, you indeed had not changed – your heart has never opened (to me). You are still the same old dog, only with new tricks. I could accept tiredness as a reason to cancel meeting. But what I missed to fathom was why didn’t you care to inform me earlier regarding your intention for cancellation? Why waited until I was all prepared then only you decided to say no and expected a tacit compliance? Even if you want to take back, why couldn’t it be more diplomatic? I couldn’t help but wonder: Am I not deserving an information even when I am not wanted to be seen?

I felt like an unwanted order you hesitate-lessly returned. I felt like a toy you think you could caress or dismiss at your wish. I finally accepted that the “A little less you, a little more us” (even when it is for friendship) is impossible. You care too much about yourself to really consider me.

Perhaps my sweetness has led you into believing I will grant your commands with complete compliance. But perhaps I wasn’t clear about how surprisingly easy-going I was when it comes to you when in fact I am a real difficult character.

Perhaps you do really adore (a word you deliberately adopted to substitute love) me. But perhaps I wasn’t clear that my desire to be respected with dignity and self-esteem is actually overwhelming the need to be adored.

Perhaps you meant it when you told me you do care about me in your own little way. But perhaps I wasn’t clear about how your alternating gentleness and churlish treatment had confused me so often. And on this occasion, you simply care too little. Or perhaps I am too insignificant to deserve even an information.

I know I am in no position of demand and I don’t want to stamp on my feet arguing, like you would call it. I know tonight’s incident was something really minor. But I think enough is enough. I don’t want to worry about the hidden heart-breaks behind your every grand gesture. I don’t want to be taken for granted. I want to be respected. I want to regain the freedom of my heart. I want my love to be appreciated if not responded reciprocally. Unfortunately, I could no longer imagine their possibilities with you.

And therefore I have finally decided – I want to call an end.

It was really nice, or even amazing to have met you. But for now, goodbye.

J.