Hard Time No More

Again, I lost control of the situation and had put up a hard time for you.

I understood what you meant when you told me this evening that I have to make a decision and quickly. I wanted to rush myself for a decision. But I knew, the decision time is not yet here.

All I could do is to give you a hard time no more, stupid questions no more, and just enjoy the current moment. I am no longer having any expectation, imagination, or dream. I admit I had been away with the fairies. But I believe time will eventually fade the feeling away and we could be normal.

What you may already know is I didn’t text you to come online for a hard time. But what you didn’t know is over those sleepless nights, I kept measuring myself against your love for your ex.

Wanted to be around him a lot; sharing amazing intimacy; always think that he is cute and intelligent; wanted to be him at times.

Amazing bedroom fun, and the cute and smart impression,  I think I have achieved them. But a wall was erected instantaneously when I learnt that I wasn’t a figure you wanted to meet often. I knew the feeling wasn’t reciprocal. But it still had created some uneasy ripples in my heart when I was honestly informed.

And life inspiration? I couldn’t help but kept waking up at those sleepless nights, asking myself what could I offer as a boy making coffees behind the bar? Inferiority inundated my sleepless nights.

I used to think this isn’t one-sided. I used to believe you were trying to avoid what you felt for me. But standing in front of your love for someone else, I couldn’t help but feeling so naive, so immature, and so insignificant. I felt so, small.

You were always so nice to me. But I’d finally realised, I shouldn’t confuse kindness with anything else.

I, as much as I would like to maintain my infamous stubbornness, was really very thin-skinned. I was embarrassed. Embarrassed by my own naiveté.

I am doubtless that you do care for me. But I knew, it wasn’t anything significant. Nothing comparable to what you have shown to others.

I-don’t-love-you, I heard you said. I accept defeat.